I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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