I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
