I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
