Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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