It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
