My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
look no pants
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Randomize
