You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
