Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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