Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
