I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
