First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Actions speak louder than pants.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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