she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
