needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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