i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
