God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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