i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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