Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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