I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
