i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
