Cold hands, warm shart.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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