My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
