I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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