i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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