my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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