Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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