You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
