i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
