It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
