Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
