so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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