look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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