i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
