isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
