i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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