3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
