TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
