life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You smell like stripper and shame
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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