zippers are such a cool invention
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
