I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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