its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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