do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
