Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
