I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Randomize
