I don't usually arrange sex via text message
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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