good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
