My Higher Power is John Stamos
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
