I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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