I think i sorta joined a cult last night
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Every concussion has its silver lining
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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