The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
