I'm lost and stupid without you.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
